Tuesday, April 16, 2013


By:  Jim Verdonik

 I'm an attorney with Ward and Smith PA.  I also write a column about business and law for American Business Journals, have authored multiple books and teach an eLearning course for entrepreneurs.  You can reach me at JFV@WardandSmith.com or JimV@eLearnSuccess.com.  Or you can check out my eLearning course at http://www.elearnsuccess.com/start.aspx?menuid=3075  or http://www.youtube.com/user/eLearnSuccess or purchase my books at  http://www.amazon.com/Jim-Verdonik/e/B0040GUBRW
[Note: This post is a longer version of an Article I wrote that was originally published in Triangle Business Journal in March 2013.]

What's a poor blogger to do?
The first rule of business is that you can't please everyone.  Don't even try.

The second rule of business is:  Be careful who you displease.
\My last article about how to prevent businesses from becoming Zombies offended Zombie business community leaders.

They demanded to know:  Why did I assume Zombies aren't good businesspeople?
So, after attending Zombie EEOC sensitivity training classes, I'm asking this question:

Why can't Zombies and humans come together and share business lunch?  (Oops! Bad idea.) 
But despite the no business lunch part (which should really be the first rule of business in a post-Zombie Apocalypse world), let's celebrate Zombie business achievements.

As you can see Zombie business compare favorably to their human counterparts in all the primary sectors of business:
·         Sustainability and Efficiency
·         Social Consciousness
·         Personnel Practices
·         Legal Compliance
Let's explore how Zombie businesses innovate in each of these important areas.

Sustainability and Efficiency
Zombie businesses are persistent.  They search for opportunities night and day.

Zombie salesmen can take several bullets right through the heart and still keep coming to close a sale.  Even losing a limb or two won't stop dedicated Zombie salesmen.  You'd think that tenacity would make them great life insurance salesmen, wouldn't you?  But for some reason life insurance is one product Zombie businesses don't sell.
75% of human businesses die within five years, but Zombie businesses survive at much higher rates.  Just when you think you've killed a Zombie business, it regenerates.

Zombies like teamwork.  Teams surround targets.  And no one is better at taking one (or two or three) for the team.
Zombie businesses have great market penetration – they wait in darkest corners of abandoned buildings for opportunities to wander in.  It seems like they are everywhere.  Human businesses just can't compete against that!

Social Consciousness
But Zombie businesses aren't all about the money.  They have a heart (sort of).

Zombie businesses are GREEN (and other gross colors), because they walk instead of drive.  Al Gore (America's first Zombie political/business leader) proudly hails Zombies' small carbon footprints.  That reminds me.  Whatever happened to Tipper?  Tipper just disappeared.  Did Tipper meet the Governor's daughter's fate?
Zombies eat only free range humans and waste nothing.  They just don't like keeping humans in little cages.  Like all sportsmen, they prefer the thrill of the hunt.  And they consume the entire human carcass.  Waste not want not is an old Zombie expression.

Zombie businesses reinvigorate depressed communities.  After human businesses flee to suburban shopping malls, Zombie businesses remain in abandoned downtown business districts.  I ask you:  Where would our downtowns be without Zombie businesses?
And Zombies don't outsource jobs overseas.  They conduct all business within walking distance.

Personnel Practices
Of course, Zombie businesses know that every day 95% of their assets walk out the door.

So, they recognize that they owe their success to individual Zombie employees.
Here are just some of the enlightened ZR practices Zombie businesses employ.

Zombie business employees don't have to dress for success.  Glamor means nothing in Zombie businesses.  Female Zombie executives don't waste time on personal grooming rituals.  Zombie businesses are a feminist's dream come true.  For obvious reasons, sexual harassment complaints aren't problems for Zombie businesses.
Recruiting isn't a problem.  Each meal is a recruiting opportunity.  And, of course, Zombie retention rates are 100% - Once a Zombie always a Zombie.  So, by guarantying job security job not only for life, but longer, Zombie businesses don't have to pay unemployment insurance.

Zombie businesses aren't hierarchical.  You can't tell the difference between Zombie CEOs and ordinary workers.  Overcompensated Zombie CEOs don't flaunt high incomes.  CEOs don't get special privileges like executive dining rooms and don't exploit workers.  Each Zombie just eats what it kills where they kill it.  There is no 1% against the 99% in Zombie businesses.
Zombies are very productive workers.  They don't take coffee breaks, surf the Internet for sports, porn or shopping on company time.  Scheduling is never a problem.  Zombie workers innately sense when and where they are needed.  And you never see Zombies texting while walking.

And Zombies are just off the charts on healthcare issues.  Because Zombies get aerobic exercise walking, they are healthy (except for being dead).  When was the last time you saw an obese Zombie?
Zombie businesses are so good on healthcare issues that they have a special waiver from Obamacare, which was written to only apply to humans.  In rare bi-partisan accord both Congress and our president agreed that: If Zombie health isn't broken then don't try to fix it. 

So, Zombie workers don't have to wrestle with endless health insurance reimbursement forms and Zombie businesses pass healthcare insurance savings to consumers. 
Zombie workers don't need maternity leave and don't disappear at 5:00 PM to pick up kids from daycare.  Zombies are so 24/7 committed to getting the job done that they train their children to find their own dinner.

And last, but not least, Zombie businesses are law abiding.

Zombie businesses don't sue other businesses.  Your typical lawyer wouldn't last one day in a Zombie business.
Despite not having legal teams, Zombie businesses have perfect compliance records.  DOJ, EPA, SEC, FDA etc. haven't brought any actions against Zombie businesses. 

Zombie businesses are so good at legal compliance that Government agencies are now full of Zombies.
So, let's all overcome culturally insensitive human-centric prejudices against Zombies and welcome them to the business community. 

Why should a few little differences matter?  We're all just trying to make a living.  Right?
I hope I've atoned for past transgressions against Zombie businesses.  That's one community I don't want to offend.

If you would like to learn more about learning how to grow your business by becoming more like a Zombie or other issues important to your success, you can reach me at JFV@WardandSmith.com or JimV@eLearnSuccess.com.  Or you can check out my eLearning course at http://www.elearnsuccess.com/start.aspx?menuid=3075
 or http://www.youtube.com/user/eLearnSuccess or purchase my books at http://www.amazon.com/Jim-Verdonik/e/B0040GUBRW

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